Feb 20.

It's always been you...

Sitting here on my desk but my thoughts are miles away....to wherever you are right now.

I want to touch your face,
I want to look into your eyes behind your lenses,
I want to see you shy away from my stare (I can see your soul you know).
I want to tickle you,
I want to hear you laugh and cackle till you tear up.
It's always been you...

I had doubts, I wasn't sure for a while what your motives were, Still not sure...

Some-days it felt like you were not trying to make this work, still feels so...
You were a complete mystery to me and yet it felt right, It still does...
It's always been you...

I talk to God about you all the time,
It's hard sometimes, I want so much more than we are.
I keep telling myself if this is right, it wouldn't go away,
I keep telling myself it would get better in-spite of our differences and baggages.
I keep telling myself we would work through everything because we both know how much we mean to each-other.
It's always been you...

I miss you so much my Friend and Lover,
I wish I could cover the miles between us,
I yearn for you with everything in me...
This is a short letter to you my love,

A letter to let you know....It's always been you A... xxx

A...

It was a Thursday night out with friends,

My eyes locked with a queer gentleman,

He stared right back without flinching.

I thought it was rude with a lady on his arm.

Hours passed, systems intoxicated.

The stares became intense,

My insides felt giddy and warm.

He motioned to the door with a smile,

His lady draped on another’s arm.

The song came on and he pushed closer,

His huge palms on my hips,

We swayed to the beat.

He moved closer till I couldn’t resist.

Lips tasted like strawberry sweets.

His tenderness and compassion,

His brave and strong heart,

His Selfless and passionate soul,

He is mine to keep, mine to Love,

Been 365 days and I can’t get enough.

The Letter

Dear Delilah,

It feels like one of those dog days, today, where all our existence comes to rest halfway between our sobriety and poignant memories; like a glass of introspection with a little sprinkling of lazy.

And lately, I've learned a few new words; strong words, like patience, and faith, and wine, and friendship.

I'm trying to make room in my head for my new words, so I pick out a few old words. I pick out the best ones, the wild ones, the slightly unusual ones and I write you rambling letters in my mind.

I ask you random questions, like what the distance is from your living room to a lonely night, or if you want a daughter first; what you'd call her. I ask you questions, like, how do we thaw these conversations? Where have you left the keys that unlock you?

It's a random day and you've kind of been on my mind.

So this is my letter, dear Delilah. This is my glass of poignant introspection, poured from a vintage bottle; shall we get drunk? This is where I hide the emotion, behind the fluffy words and the LOLs.

Some days I wonder how your day went, if your friends are alright, if you still have dimples. I wanted to make this a blog post but I hear you don't like PDA.

Sincerely,

Ashiwel.

My Life's Essence....

I spoke to God today,
i told him about the unfathomable void,
the thirst for Life's essence,
profound peace of mind..

He held my face in his palms,
and whispered a psalm,
words so pure,
awe-inspiringly grand.

I started smiling,
elated and euphoric,
i sang along with him,
the moon shone all night long..

The cock crowed,
the birds chirped,
i woke from this dream,
i couldn't remember the psalm..

A sense of bliss overcame me,
the contentment of being alive,
with hands held high and knees to the ground,
i magnified HIM!
My Peace, My Treasure, My Life's Essence.

Triangle...

It was complicated,
we were worlds apart,
fights, unhappy words,
i was going to leave anyway.

So, closely i noticed another,
the almost perfect one,
my silver lining,
through the dark clouds shining.

Another who was wrong,
another i couldn't have,
my dear heart,
loved him from faraway.

I prayed the days went by,
hours, minutes, seconds,
time should've brought me,
another who could stay.

But i didn't want another,
couldn't love no other,
now i will wait forever,
till the day we'll be together.

Us?

I envisioned the future Last night,
The best picture I ever saw.
We made it, we Lived it,
We soared together.
We were happy,
It was perfect baby, it was..
I want it all,
I want you.
A continuous journey with you,
Building memories everywhere.
I want a family,
A little girl with your eyes.
A house by the lakeside,
Tub moments, fights.
So my dear,
Make that come true.
Find me,
Woo me,
Love me forever,
I would do you same.......

5...

She walks alone,

Her space is her home,
Small but secure, safe quad,

Safer than the world away.

She is happy, she is allayed.
They meet......

He walks as a head,

Lots of Chatter around him.
He is firmly in control. 

He sneaks into her world,

Forces the fit till its perfect,

Recreates a comfortable abode.

She conforms to his part.

He has her, she has him,

Meshed hearts,Twin flames.. 
He wants her to walk with him,

An addition to his clan.

She looks around,

Judgemental faces staring back.

Will she? Can she? Should she?

Maybe she would...
Maybe in another world....

Plan?

This plan, you say is grand.
This plan you tell me of,
This plan we always talk about,
This plan we are scared of.
This plan that threatens a lot,
This plan that trills my heart.
Aeonian Love!!
I've found him, the one for me.
The one I yearn for.
The one my soul connects with.
The one I reel in his sensual kisses.
The one my heart literally thumps for.
The one who never judges me,
The one who I tell it all to,
The one who is patient,
The one who loves without questioning,
The one who 'hits' it so good.
The one who shares my worries and pain.
The one who's nurturing words heal my soul,
The one who shares my happiest moments.
The one who makes it so easy to love,
The one who makes life easier,
Yet it's so complicated,
Dreading the unknown,
This plan I better know soon,
This bigger picture better heal me,
Until then, I will stay.......

Open...

I saw you, you saw me.

You reached out, you touched my heart.

We grew, we worked on us.

We held so dear our shared galatea.

You said 'you understood me'.

It frightened me, I became panicky.

Forced to recede into my shell.

I hit you with guised anger, biffs of hatred.

Etwined souls disordered, threatened by fabricated acts.

Flicking light of intimacy quenched.

YOU should have listened to my plea for a truce.

The sonority of my bruised spirit,

Unable to stop what it regretfully started.

Then i Lost you...

My twisted sense of self-perservation.

I Lost you...

A part of myself, larger than is worldly possible.

You don't understand me, never will.

If time will go back, will find you a person of no consequence.

Misunderstood

Hurt, scarred and left with a memory Of  what happened.
Wild and free she struggles in a world without care.
She is happy, she is safe, she is content.
There are many of them, she has lost count,
All ready to pounce, take a part, touch a part.
Puzzle pieces on the floor! None fit.
She tries too hard, the puzzles aren't the same,
They'll never understand, they scram.
She yearns for one, she waits for one.
Paranoia, restiveness, nothingness..
Pain because she can't love,
Scars and fear of rejection,
She creates diversions, walls,
Are you willing to wait? Can you hang on?
Can you reach out with everything to loose?
A part of her wants to forget it all,
She hasn't found the mercy yet..
Maybe tomorrow, some other time.
Just not today, not this moment.

Commitorum Metus

I saw him again today....
He had a hair cut.
he was different today,
Looked darker, sad and misty eyed.
Something was wrong,
I touched his chin, then torso.
Leaned in and sucked on the lower lip.
He pushed me away,
His voice wobbled with restrained emotion,
Why? He asked me, WHY??
I have a puzzled expression,
He is my friend, he is someone I know.
I was still confused.
'I LOVE YOU' he said..
I smiled...............
What happened to the commitment phobe I knew
the insouciant Flirt?
The man who had sordid lust tales?
Where was he? Who is this?
With squinched eyes, I stared at him,
Almost like I was looking into his soul..
He stood up, firm arms on his waist,
I looked at the familiar bulge.
I Smiled, but he did not smile back.
I was jerked to realness.
He Walked to the door and turned the knob,
Make a decision, choose he told me..
Then he walked away.
He just LOST me........

frozen Lemons

The usual 'reverie',
Its hppening again,
Despair, worries, shame.
Palm under chin, head spins..
Its different this tme,
Feelings there, groggy thoughts..
Uncertainty of tomorrow's world,
Unstated wth today..
Would she get through?
There surely is light somewhere,
Can she wait for it?
Too many lost, Too many gone.....
She's in a daze,
The Tower seems reposeful yet distressing today.
She is faraway from the world beneath!
Hope knocks in a corner,
How can she begin again?
Who will make it clear to her?
Who will be a picket to her?
The walls are falling down,
Jumping is her resolve......
Tear-filled eyes,
How the hell did she get here?
She's lost, drowning out,
A squall!!!!
She is fine now......'YOU neglected her'

why bother?

Why bother?

You meet in unexpected circumstances or even a perfect meeting,

You 'click', talk for hours, go for dates, spend alot of time 'sitting'.

You get comfortable, share more, relate stories, BOND.

You count the days and months, then you give in to 'that' which happens in a split second.

You allow it, enjoy it, feel it, long for it, invent it..

You wake up one morning and 'life' happens so fast before you can absorb it.
They come gradually, withdrawal, lies, betrayals, silence.
You wonder how and where it went awry?
Shut out, retrocede into shell, emotional detachment.
You ask me, why so uptight? why the walls?
Why so edgy, why a loner, why so insensitive?
Going through this several times would either build or break you.
Don't get me wrong, i believe in love, relationships, happy-ever-afters,
I encourage you to take risks, fall in love, LIVE!
But for me, aloofness towards emotional entanglements works, don't want to keep asking myself
WHY BOTHER????

Gone too Soon

''As I was saying ..................... How u dey?dis is my lmtn,my glo is off.bukky"

There are different people in this world..
Some are here for a purpose, some fulfil that purpose and for some its short-lived.
Some are angels here to touch lives all their days, some are angels here to dwell with humans.......... To teach us Love,growth,acceptance and many more..

I met this young girl some time ago.
Bubbly, sweet, always asking questions,
quiet, Calm and full of Life.
Very Enthusiastic about what's going on around her.
Spent 4hours with her and felt like I knew her forever.
We exchanged numbers, spoke occassionally, She reached out so many times and I would keep promising we would meet soon, one unusual thing about our conversations was the smile I had on my face afterwards.. She was that kind of person, you could feel her warmth just by hearing her speak..

It didn't seem fair, you were so young,
You left behind broken hearts and worried minds,
We Will never forget the warmth you brought us,
Your faith, your presence, your passion for never wasting a second of Life.
We are consoled you are in a better place,
You will be remembered dear friend.
Always in our Hearts...
Rest in Peace Bukky!

Happiness within

Today i am writing about happiness 'a state of being' embrace it, accept it, reel in it, breathe it, think it, imagine it, believe it, dream it..
Be careful in the pursuit of happiness tho so you dont fall into 'fake' happiness. You know there are people who posses material possessions just to feel happy, some look for people to make them happy.
But really you dont need anyone or anything but yourself to be happy, because its the key to success.
Personally, i use the scriptures and i back it up with prayers, acceptance and most importantly appreciation(GOD and MYSELF)..
My 'happy scriptures' are prov17:22, ps34:8, and favourite deut7:14 that's an assurance of what God wrote about me.. I read and meditate and dwell in his presence and believe me, it creates room for inner peace and satisfaction. God wants us to be happy.

- Happiness comes from within, its a choice.
- Happiness is the light of love, giving and receiving love.
- Happiness is appreciation, being thankful.
- Happiness is pleasure, satisfaction.
- Happiness is well being, a state of mind.
- Happiness is fearlessness.
- Happiness is contentment, accepting nothing is permanent.
- Happiness is the joy of achievement.

Happiness is your birthright. Its the key to attainment.. Think happy, feel happy, be happy!! L♥√ع .....

Retracing steps.....

Pieces of my life,
Like raindrops in a storm.
Pain in my heart,
Confusion in my mind.
I chose a path long time ago,
One that directed me to hurt doors.
Wearily i struggle to find peace,
I search for ♡ and beauty.
Snares everywhere, waiting for me to stumble
Emptiness surrounds me, Confusing my perceptions.
Then he found me, a shoulder to lean on.
Catching pieces, clearing the storm.
Helping me find my purpose, taking my path with me.
He can't fight my inner battles, he can only lend me strength till i find my own.
The path is the same, but no longer a lonely road.
He will fill the emptiness and help me find peace.
I have a companion now who has taken my hands.........to lead me to LOVE...xoxoxo

time...

I have moved on indeed,
No more worries.
He made me bleed,
A lot of memories.
All I pray for,
A heart to love again,
A place to feel safe.
A love without pain.
I will survive this,
I will conquer it.
I will get through this.
My body aches,
My eyes hurt,
My heart, my world.
I am sorry I had to let go....

pain....

We laid down and discussed the future.. I shared my ideas, he joked about it! I was hurt, he did not try to be encouraging in any way...
I expressed my displeasure, said a few words, the tears rolled, tempers flared, then a slap!
I reeled in shock and confusion, my lover! I couldn't even look at him.. hurting tears flowed.
my joy now my pain..
No one understood! Voices echoed 'he's no good' 'how dare he hit you' 'leave him, that's how it starts'. I looked at them through tears, this is my baby, he couldnt  hurt a fly, he's harmless, he's not a violent person.
Sleep eluded. and I said a prayer to God, he assured me everything will be fine. I will be strong and face my fears. The woman in me is a fighter.

The bull..

I craved for it, I wanted it, needed it like air.
It came........searching.......willing.
I held back, hoping I don't give in.
My emotional walls were up strong and firm..
I was overwhelmed without forewarning,
My heart was willing to wait, my mind longed to be felt,
My Flesh wanted to be held and much more.
I gave in recklessly....... 'Sigh'
I smile now....I once loved a bull!!

change

I thought it was over. the lies haunted, life drained, no one cared. The pursuit of money and fame.
I turned to alcohol, addictions and raves. While I tell myself to be cautious, I know the damage will be irreparable.
Of course it ate deep, physically, emotionally, psychologically you name it. A large circle of ignoble friends....
The gossips surfaced, betrayals, envy, shattered friendships. Sadness and depression settled in......
Then acceptance, oh the bitterness was taken out on loved ones.
Reality struck! Oh what a squalor of mistakes.. Haunting and prude thoughts 'why did It get to this point'?
Perhaps a rebellious act on my part? A personality disorder?? What was it?
Well, acceptance, CHANGE, gratitude, faith, LOVE, contentment was all I needed..
I don't have a perfect life now, but am getting there!! I know how you feel juliet;)